


Me before you, you before me

by AnimaEl



Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst, Beast Ritsuka AU, Eventual Canon Divergence, F/M, Gen, M/M, Other, Slow Build, Time Travel(?), and i'm terrified that I won't end up finishing it, beast vii of the end, currently in fuyuki arc, is it time travel when u forcibly crack open a new timeline just to save one person, it's a longass fic, ritsuka uses they to refer to themself, spoilers for the whole game
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-02-02
Packaged: 2019-10-09 09:56:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17404760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnimaEl/pseuds/AnimaEl
Summary: They will attempt to accomplish what their other selves cannot.In the end, they have always been designed to do the impossible.Even if this draws the curtain meant to signify the end to the very beginning, this time, they will not let go.This selfish wish will be fulfilled.





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> haa, can you feel just how self-indulgent this is? trying to rewrite the whole game is probably stupid and clumsy but help me god i cannot stop.
> 
> disclaimer: would i be writing this if i own fgo?

... It's cold.

Their consciousness floats in the neverending darkness. It rocks and ebbs with the ripples made by the distant possibilities, sinks deeper in the abyss of uncertainties.

Like a wrecked ship, they lie still and wait for the waves to swallow them all.

They are tired.

Hundreds, thousands, millions of alternations, and yet. And yet they never succeeded.

Still the same end. Still the same loss.

Even the countless cacophony of their cries cannot reach that desired end. Even as the key variable to this great undertaking, they cannot break free of this constant ordained by fate.

They are the crystallization of a wish born out of countless desperation. Out of grief. Out of anguish. Out of regrets.

Out of love.

But out there, they are only one. A single human, gifted, but lacking. An ideal protagonist sculpted to fulfill a necessary role. Another constant, another pawn in a predetermined journey with a fixed end.

He tried. She tried. They all tried.

But they were always clueless, always powerless, always limited—

Always human.

But perhaps they have been doing this the wrong way. If one is not enough, perhaps this coalescence of their very essences could be.

But such a thing is not permitted by the system. So as their surroundings grow to suffocate them in response to their intent, they kick, they tear, they struggle.

They reach out.

In the end, they have always been designed to do the impossible.

Even if this draws the curtain meant to signify the end to the very beginning, this time, they will not let go.

This selfish wish will be fulfilled.

They have always been greedy, after all.

***

A̵̧͚̱̩̹̪̺͔͋̈̓̀ͅẘ̷̜̩̠̓̏̕à̴̼̮̞̜̮̜͇̀̐̓̓̂̉k̴̟̱̜̘͉̯̯̑̃̐͋̈́̚e̵͍̳̎̿̇̕͝ň̵̡͖̥͈̠̳̗̔̎̚͜͠ ̶̨̛̫͕͙̲̺̱̘̜̗̒̋̒̍͊̿̑f̴̙͖̈́̅̿͂͝ŗ̶̛̋̋͊̈͑̾͋́͠ǫ̷̭͊̾̓͋̍̇̿͠ͅm̴̢̧̨̛̛̯͚̫̣͖̣͆͊͒͘͜͝ ̶̦͂ṫ̴̙h̸͍̞̘͂͠ͅy̷̞̹͒̄̑̄̆͠͝ ̶͍͙̊̈́͌̋͒͐ṡ̸̯͈̘̹̮̮̦͂̉̓̅̂͝l̷͉͛̍̿̿͗̌͋͝͝ͅȗ̷̡͍̜͚͉͉͂̕ͅm̷͙̦̳̺b̸̢͖̾̈́̂̿͘ͅe̷̛̲͎̖̝͒̈̂̊͗͝r̴̫̼̬̙̽̂̄̏̑̾͛,̴̡̛̬͉̹̱̝̱̮̃̍̽ ̶͍̗̮̫̪̭͍͓̈̽̀͜ͅo̵̮͊̑͂̈̔͋̚͝'̴̞̺̠͚̻͈̻̻͓̈́̈̂̋̽̀̚͠ͅ ̵̩̻̓̏̑̊̂͋Ḇ̶̧̠̯̦̥̗̓̍̔̽̇͝ẻ̷̩͎̟̲̾̏́̀̈͝ạ̶̗͚͋̊͝s̵̡͚̥̮̻̫̙̪̫̗͆́ţ̴̪̘̗͇͓̩͚̙͖̎̑͛̈́̓̈̕͝ ̷̨̡̳͍̲̮̥̯̝̐͆͝o̵͇͊̾͘f̵̟͕̖̳̙̈́̏̅̓̓̌̉̀̕ ̵̘͙̠̘̏̑̑C̵͖̃a̵̤̬͓͂̔̍̋̈̚l̴̻̫̣̘̜̎a̸̠̻͂̓̃̈́̔͑̒͝m̴̡̥̣̺̞̖̳͓͈̏̌͒̈́̂̈́͌͠į̸̨͚̩̭̤̄̉̃̽̎̅̓̒͠͝ẗ̴̼͔͙ͅy̴̰͍̎͛̊.̵̧̹̬͈̺͑̀

 ***

 


	2. where it begins (i)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ritsuka wakes up.

"Fou, kyuu. Fou!"

Tiny paws tap their cheek insistently.

They stir. Something licks their face. It smells faintly of flowers and endless potential.

It's familiar.

"Um," a set of footsteps shuffles closer to them. "Since it's neither morning nor night, please wake up-"

They open their eyes.

"-senpai."

They can't help it. They stare.

The white squirrel-like creature stares back at them. Its fathomless lavender eyes do not break their gaze for a few seconds, before it looks away with a soft snort and trots towards the pink-haired girl looking intently at them.

They blink. Their mouth moves on before their brain catches up to it. "Who are you?"

"Ah," the girl fidgets, seemingly embarrassed that they have been caught staring at them for a while. "That's a hard question to answer suddenly. Maybe I'm not important enough for you to know my name?"

They frown. That doesn't feel right. Before they could refute those words, she continues. "No, I do have a name. I have a proper name." She seems to be talking more to herself rather than answering their question. They take this moment to stand up.

Her expression turns into worry. "But I've never had the chance to use it... I'm afraid I don't have a good first impression... Oh." She flushes. She fiddles with her glasses to avoid their stare. Her eyes are a vibrant shade of violet. Somehow that observation unfurls a warm feeling inside them.

"Ahem. Anyway, can I ask you a question, senpai?"

Of course. Anything. They nod.

"You were asleep, but I don't see why you'd sleep in the hall. Can you not sleep unless you're on a hard bed?"

They shrug. They don't really remember. Why were they sleeping on the floor anyway? The last thing they remembered was... fighting?

_It was dark._

Their head throbs. The world flickers and sways for a moment before a pair of hands caught them. Pink hair tickles their nose. "Senpai!?"

That voice, strangely no stranger to their ears in that frantic cadence, shakes them out of their stupor. They attempt to stand on their own, and those hands keep holding them steadily where they fail.

It feels like an age-old comfort and the realization leaves them shaken.

"Senpai, were you perhaps passed out in the hallway after doing the servant simulator?" Up close, her hair is a shade lighter than they expected. This kind girl who has yet to give them her name supports them by their shoulder. "I've heard that the fight simulation could be quite taxing to those who haven't tried it before, but to pass out from it is concerning. I will take you to the infirmary to be safe."

Servant fighting simulation... They vaguely recall doing something like that. "Yeah, that seems about right."

"Fou, kyao. Mmkyau!" The white squirrel-like creature suddenly nudges their feet before it immediately scampers out of their sight. They stare. They feel the urge to wave their hand to it.

"Oh, I haven't introduced you to Fou yet, haven't I?" She seems pleasantly surprised with what had just transpired. She smiles. They gingerly extricate themself from her person the moment they realize that the sensation of vertigo has receded. She still keeps a supporting hand on their shoulder. "The squirrel-like creature is Fou. He is a privileged lifeform allowed to freely roam around Chaldea. Fou was the one who led me here to you, senpai."

Her voice is fond, her eyes warm as she looks towards the hall Fou disappeared to. "Usually he doesn't like to go near other people aside from myself, but you seem to be an exception, senpai. Fou seems to really like you."

"You think so?" It feels like a great honour to be liked by that creature.

The girl nods. "Yes. Congratulations senpai," she smiles beatifically at them, "now you'll be the second caretaker of Fou in Chaldea."

A set of heavy footsteps heads towards them. "Ah, there you are Mash." A man in heavy leprechaun-green coat emerges from the fork in the hallway. While his fashion sense leaves much to be desired, the genial smile on his face feels wrong. His whole person exudes an air of wrongness, and it rankles to finally hear the girl's name from his lips instead of her own.

It feels like a violation of something sacred.

They don't know where this sudden feeling of hostility came from, so they push it down to form a neutral smile on their face as the man steps up in front of them. "That won't do, you know, wandering about without permission..." They bristle at his words.

Mash straightens up and shrinks at the same time in response to his chiding. "Dr Lev..."

Dr Lev seems to have just noticed them. "Oh, there's already someone here with you? You are..." He studies their appearance. Their smile strains on their face. "I see... You're the rookie who just got assigned here."

They nod curtly. They want this conversation to be over and done with.

Dr Lev seems to have not gotten the memo. "I'm Lev Lainur, one of the technicians employed here." He introduces himself. They're beyond relieved that he does not offer them his hand to shake. "And you are?"

"Ritsuka Fujimaru."

He opens his hands in a grand gesture. "Welcome to Chaldea, Fujimaru-kun. It seems that you're the last of the 48 candidates. I am glad to have you here." He gives them a warm smile. They keep the strained smile on their face in response. Their cheek is starting to cramp.

He glances at his watch. "While I would love to stay and chat more with you, we all have a place to be." Thank god. "The orientation starts in around ten minutes, so we better hurry to the command room before the director gets angry. It's just right beyond this hall."

He pauses. Something seems to have caught his interest. "Come to think of it, why were you here together with Fujimaru-kun, Mash? That's not like you. Did you two know each other before?"

Mash shakes her head. "No, I've never met senpai before. I saw him sleeping here, but it turns out that he was passed out from the simulation. He almost passed out again earlier, so I wanted to take him to the infirmary."

Dr Lev Lainur's eyebrows raise upwards. "Truly? That really is worrying. The Spiriton Dive must've taken a lot out of you." He studies them once again. "But you seem to be fine now. Just hang in there a little longer, Ritsuka-kun. The orientation is about to start, so it's better if you don't show up late. Unfortunately, the director is not the type to forgive and forget."

"I guess hiding senpai in the restroom to boycott the orientation is not an option." They hear Mash murmur. Their lips twitch into a genuine smile. "Then, Dr Lev, do you think I'll be allowed to sit in on the orientation too? I'm worried that senpai might pass out again, so I will accompany him there."

"Hmm." He looks contemplative. "She should look the other way if you stand at the corner in the very back. ... But if I leave you alone like this, the director will yell at me. Let's head there together, shall we?"

Mash looks towards them in askance. "Are you alright with that, senpai?"

They nod. "Of course."

They notice Dr Lev Lainur looking at the two of them with a sort of knowing smile. "Before we go Mash, I have a question to ask. Why do you call Fujimaru-kun senpai in particular?"

"Ah. Um." Color rises in her cheeks. They resist the urge to pinch them. "That's because... Fujimaru-senpai is the most human-like person I've ever met."

Dr Lev seems more intrigued. "And that means?"

Mash steals a glance at them. "I don't feel threatened by his presence." She admits. They smile at her words, very much flattered. She flushes still. "So there's no reason for me to be hostile."

"I see, that is important!" He laughs, sounding endlessly amused. The pleasant sound grates against their ears uncomfortably. "People at Chaldea really are a piece of work! I agree with you, Mash. You two seem to get along splendidly." He adjusts his coat and heads towards the command room. "Now, let us depart. It seems that the chat took more of our time than I expected."

There's something strange in his phrasing. It rings an alarm inside them, but they push it back to the back of their mind.

They follow him to the command room.


	3. where it begins (ii)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ritsuka passes out. Twice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'll try to update every two to three days in hopes that i can keep up a routine with this fic.
> 
> y'all fanfic authors who can squeeze out 6k words in a day, i salute thee.

It took some time to find their assigned seat. It is at the very front of the row, and they wave at Mash when she heads for her place at the end of the row. She sends them an apologetic look. They wave it off.

They take the seat just in time to see a white-haired young woman head to the podium. Her ochre eyes sweep the surrounding candidates with a shrewd sharpness. She carries herself with an air befitting of a leader, like a shroud of responsibility has been draped around her shoulder for a very long time, and she herself has grown into it.

It's a good look on her, but at the same time it belies a terrible sort of sadness that speaks of necessity.

Somehow, she reminds them of someone. They're not sure who. The thought feels fragile, still too far away to touch. They leave it there.

They tune back in to the speech. They manage to catch the director as she introduces herself. "My name is Olga Marie Animusphere." Her voice rings clear and crisp in the room. Clearly, she's the no-nonsense type. "You have been selected-"

The room spins. They blink.

"-or discovered-"

It's getting dimmer. Their head feels heavy. Darkness encroaches from the corner of their vision. It feels urgent.

"-from each nation-"

Their head tips forward. They close their eyes.

"-for your rare—"

_... It's cold._

A harsh blow stung their left cheek. Their eyes open blearily to see Olga Marie Animusphere glowering at them in all her furious glory. That slap had been the full force of her indignation. It had brought tears to their eyes. They blink them away. It really hurts.

They are sure that she is yelling at them, but they can't focus into what the words mean. A series of frantic footsteps approach towards them and Mash's voice joins the fray. She's probably apologizing for them. The room is still spinning. They feel hands holding their chest to half-carry them out of the room, and they know it's Mash. They direct their remaining concentration to try and keep their weight off her. They really need to make it up to her for helping them out so much.

The rest of the journey to head out of the command room passes in an indistinct blur.

"...Are you alright, senpai?" They register Mash asking them once they can stand straight on their own. Her fingers skim the edges of the slap mark. They can feel it swelling a bit. "... That looks painful."

They sigh, nodding faintly. The mark throbs in time with their headache. They resist the urge to massage their head. At least they're awake now.

"You've been excluded from the first mission, senpai." Mash informs them. She still looks worried. "I was taking you back to your room—Oh!"

A white blur bounces up and smacks right onto Mash's face. "Foouu!" It stays there for a moment before it wiggles onto her shoulder.

It's their turn to ask. "... Are you alright?"

Her face is a bit red, but otherwise she seems unharmed. She adjusts her lopsided glasses back on her face. "I'm alright, senpai. This is normal. Fou likes to attack my face, slide around to my back, and settle around my shoulder."

"... So you're used to it, huh?" Fou begins another staring contest with them from Mash's shoulder, but they're more interested in the small cape tied onto his body. They poke it. Fou seems amused.

Mash watches their interactions with warm eyes. "Yes, it's been a year since Fou came to live here."

"Fou. Kyuu, fou! Kyau fou!" Fou licks their offending finger which is stuck to his fluffy cheek.

Whatever he says has clearly made Mash overjoyed. "Hmm. Hmm. Senpai, apparently Fou has officially acknowledged you as one of his own. This is great news."

But she gazes at Fou who is gnawing leisurely on their fingers with worried eyes. "But can a squirrel who sees humans as his rivals coexist with you, senpai?"

They pat Fou's back with their other hand. "I don't think that would be a problem."

Mash smiles. "If you say so, senpai. Knowing Fou, he probably would forget about it by tomorrow."

They extricate their saliva-covered fingers from Fou's mouth and smile. For some reason, they doubt it. "Perhaps."

Mash pauses, gesturing at door. "We're here, senpai." How she manages to pick out their room from the countless identical doors in the hall is a mystery. "Well then, I'll have to excuse myself, senpai. I need to go back for the mission."

Fou jumps off Mash's shoulder to their own. He's surprisingly light. "Kyu, kyu!" He barks at Mash's startled expression. Her eyes soften in response. "Fou says that he will look after you, senpai. That sets my mind at ease."

A strange tension builds up in their chest. "Which team are you on, Mash?"

"It's the First Mission, A Team." She turns to head back to the command room. "I'll be going now, senpai. If we're lucky, I'm sure that we'll meet again."

They swallow. That foreboding sensation pervades their perception. "Yeah. Good luck, Mash."

They wave as she disappears down the hallway. The air is soaked in anticipation for something terrible, something fortuitous. But they shouldn't know that.

_Not yet._

They shudder. Fou gives them a questioning look. "Fou?"

They blink. What were they thinking about? They shake their head to clear their thoughts. "It's nothing."

It's nothing.

The door to their room opens and they are caught unaware by crashing headfirst onto someone's chest. They barely register Fou jumping off to avoid the collision.

It smells like sweets and muted starlight. It's painfully familiar.

The door closes behind them and they stumble, knees suddenly weak, like a marionette with its strings cut, falling into a tangle of limbs with the person in front of them. There are tears building in their eyes. Their very being is singing in rapture.

It hurts, it hurts, it  _hurts._  It's a relief. It's overwhelming.

It chants of a name that they have yet to know.

"Ow, ow, owww..." The voice above them hisses in pain. They snap out of their daze and scrambles away from the person's lap, their injured cheek stinging from the fall even if they landed on something soft. Someone soft. They blink out the tears from their eyes. Did the pain from the fall made them cry? How embarrassing. This is the second time they've cried today.

"Who-wait, are you okay?" The voice asks them, thick with concern. The sentiment reignites the low heat burning in their chest, in their head, in their eyes, and it's uncomfortable, it's smeared with guilt and regret, but it settles and scorches them like it's meant to be there.

Their headache intensifies. They want to puke. They want to pass out. They look up.

Kind green eyes watches them under a bed of fluffy hair the shade of peach. It's too blurry to focus on anything else.

Ahh. The tears, they're not stopping. If anything, they are only falling faster.

"Wait, wait, why are you crying?? Does it really hurt!? Hey—!?" The voice is panicking. They can't keep themself awake anymore.

They're sorry. They're really sorry.

_For what they are about to do—_

"Wait, wait, wait, you're looking really pale—Eh?? Eeehhhh???"

_Sorry in advance, Doctor._

They pass out.


	4. where it begins (finale)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ritsuka keeps a roommate and all hell breaks loose.

The smell of freshly brewed tea stirs them out of unconsciousness. The bed creaks with their movement, and they realize that someone is taking their pulse.

"Ah, wow, you're awake faster than I expected. Are you feeling better?" The voice jolts them fully awake. They rush to sit up but the blood in their body has a different idea, so they just end up flopping back down onto the bed like a wet tissue paper. The headache that has previously receeded comes back with a vengeance. They want to cry for a different reason now.

Why?? Are they acting like this???

"Hey, hey, you should take it easy." A pair of gloved hands helps them up gently. "Fujimaru-kun, right?" They startle at the sound of their name, unconsciously locking eyes with the person they crashed with. He seems to understand their bewilderment, because he sheepishly scratches his head, pointing at the table next to them. Their ID card to the facility lies discarded there. So is the collar and belts attached to their mystic code. They stare. They look down to see their shirt halfway unbuttoned.

When it clicks, their face immediately heats up. They whirl around to stare accusingly at the man sitting beside them, headache be damned. He raises his hands in surrender. "Don't look at me like that! I had to take off your mystic code to check your vitals. Also I was worried that you passed out because you had trouble breathing..." He mumbles under his breath.

They deflate, immediately feeling guilty for assuming things. "Sorry. And... Thanks." They take the time to inspect their surroundings and they realize that they're still in their assigned room. Sitting on the soft bed as they are rebuttoning their shirt, they realize that he must've carried them there on his own, although he hasn't mentioned anything about that to them. They're aware that they're far from being light. They frown.

Something cold presses itself to his aching cheek. It's a can of juice, fresh from the fridge. "Here, take this." The peach-haired man grimaces at their bewildered look, looking apologetic. "Sorry, it's the best that we have right now. If we're in the infirmary I could give you some salve to reduce the inflammation on your cheek, but, well..."

He scratches his cheek, seemingly faintly embarrassed. "Well, the infirmary is pretty far away from here, and I um." A nervous laugh escapes his lips, his cheeks starting to color. "It's embarrassing, but I couldn't carry you that far, sorry."

Their ears are burning. "Oh my god," they groan, covering their face. "I'm really, really sorry about that. Please let me make it up to you later." They plea behind muffled hands. Some divine intervention better dropkick them to the other side of the world in the next second because they will seriously die out of embarrassment at this rate _and_  they still don't know this person's name.

_That's not true._

... Don't they?

"Haha, please don't worry about it, Fujimaru-kun." Kind, light-hearted laughter soothes away their tangled emotions. They relax, slowly pulling their hands down to see the man smiling at them from behind the counter. Two pieces of cake sits next to two identical mugs, both still faintly steaming. Various condiments and snacks litter the surface of the counter.

They have an overwhelming urge to bottle this moment and keep it hidden in a safe place.

"It's my job to take care of you. I wouldn't be a very good doctor if I hadn't, would I?" With a practiced motion, the newly confirmed doctor places two spoonfuls of honey into each mug and stirs, placing the teaspoon back on a plate before heading back towards them. He hands them one of the mugs, and they realize that it must've been the tea they smelled earlier. "It should be just the right temperature now. Drink up. Passing out isn't something you should take lightly."

They obediently take a sip. He's right; the tea is still hot, but not scalding. It's sweet, but not overwhelmingly so. The moment they start chugging half of the mug down is the moment they realize that they're really hungry. As if responding to their thoughts, a clink of plate on the table rouses their attention. A piece of strawberry shortcake is placed right in front of them, complete with a teaspoon. The syrup-brushed strawberry on top of the cream glistens enticingly. They don't know which famous bakery or cakery it came from but they can tell that the whole cake would probably cost equal to their grocery funds for two weeks.

They gape at the cake. Then at the doctor. "I-is this for me?"

He puts a gloved finger on his lips and winks playfully. "Of course. Patient privileges. But keep this a secret from the director."

Hearing about the director in the topic, they tell him about their experience during the orientation.

He winces in sympathy. "Yikes, that's.... bad. No wonder your cheek was swollen. Sorry that you had to experience that, Ritsuka-kun. She can be violent sometimes, but seems like she's moreso today. It's probably the nerves. It's the first operation, you know? It's a lot of pressure on her."

He suddenly takes a huge bite from his own cake as if trying to take a bite of his own frustrations. He's pouting while he chews. "But still. She confiscated all of the sweets I kept in my office last week. _And_  she threw me out of the command room for today's Rayshift operation. 'When you're here, Romani, everyone slacks off!'" He tries to mimic Olga Marie's stern voice in a high pitch. Their laughter turns into a snort in-between bites of the cake.

Doctor Romani heaves a huge sigh, chewing on the last piece of his cake sadly. "I know that I don't really have anything to do there with the machines monitoring the candidates' vitals, but really. After that, I've been sulking here in my hooky place. Well, former hooky place." He amends, staring mournfully at the room. "It's your designated room now, Fujimaru-kun. I'll have to find another place to hide my sweets."

"It can still be your hooky place." They blurt out. They don't want him to leave. "I don't take much space, anyway, and you've been here first, so..."

"Ah, eh. Are you sure?" Startled green eyes meet their own pair of blue. They nod. "Of course." Despite the reluctance to say it, as if it would cheapen their true motive, they add, "Think of it as me making it up to you for the treatment. And the tea. And the cake." They polish the remaining cream off the plate, sets aside a smile that feels as if it has been solely reserved for this person. "It was delicious, thank you, Doctor Romani."

The doctor stares. "Ah, uh. Um." Stammers. They tilt their head in puzzlement. "Just call me Roman. Please. Ah, wait, I haven't actually introduced myself!" He scrambles up from his seat, dusting off cake crumbs from his coat to make himself look presentable. He offers them a hand to shake. "Head of the medical department, Romani Archaman, but people just call me Roman."

There's still a spot of cream above his lips even with all his attempts in putting up a professional image. They struggle to keep a straight face as they shake his hand. Even gloved, his hands are warm. "Fujimaru Ritsuka, master candidate 48." They reply in turn, feeling oddly disappointed when they had to let go of  that hand, but the moment passes.

Smiling, they tap the area above their lips. Their lips twitch, and teasingly: "You still have some cream on your face, doctor."

Green eyes widen in embarrassment. "Ahh, why didn't you tell me earlier!?" He rushes to snatch a tissue to wipe his face.

He slumps, whining. "I tried to look cool, but I just ended up embarrassing myself again." He sulks in his seat, facing away from them. They awkwardly pat him on the back. "There, there, doctor. You... Don't need to look cool? You're a nice person already."

Something soft brushes their leg at that moment, stealing their attention. "Fou, fou." Fou jumps to the table to their shoulder, settling against their neck. So that's where he was. They scratch the underside of his chin absently.

Roman perks up at the sight of the fluffy animal. "Oh, that's the mysterious creature Mash keeps talking about right?"

"You know Mash, Doctor Roman?"

"Yeah. I guess you could say that we're quite close." He smiles fondly, but something almost like guilt flashes past his eyes. They're curious, but that seems like a sensitive topic.

"I tried to get it to do some tricks with snacks earlier, but it just gave me this really pitying look and walked away." He sighs. They pat his back again in consolation.

A couple of beeps cuts through the conversation. They freeze. The oppressive air from earlier seems to creep closer. From the watch-like device on Roman's arm, Dr Lev Lainur's voice projects itself. "Romani, we're going to start the Rayshift soon. Could you come in case there's an emergency?" A pause. "The A Team's in perfect condition but B Team on down is less experienced and they are displaying some slight abnormalities. It probably comes from anxiety. The inside of the coffin is like a cockpit."

Roman makes a sympathetic noise. "Hey Lev, I feel bad for them. Why don't I give them some anaesthetics?"

"Yeah, hurry up, will you? If you're in the infirmary, then you can get here in two minutes." The transmission ends with a beep.

"Well, I have to go now." Roman stands and readjusts his coat. "All these talented people have been gathered here for a purpose, and while I'm just an ordinary doctor, I'll still have to go if I'm summoned."

"... But you're not in the infirmary, are you?" Somehow, the thought is a relief. "You're just slacking off here."

"Whoa... Please don't mention that... It'd take at least five minutes from here, no matter what." He laughs abashedly. "Well, I think they'll forgive me for being a little late. The A Team has no issues anyway, so it's not an emergency."

As if responding to his words, the lights suddenly flicker and turn off.

"Wait, what's this!?"

"A blackout?"

"No, Chaldea doesn't get blackouts!" Comes Roman's panicked voice. "Did something ha—"

A debilitating explosion shakes the room. On cue, a shrill alarm resounds, bathing the room in red. _"Emergency, emergency. A fire has broken out in the Central Power Station and the Central Command Room."_

Roman's pale face is a sickly shade in the dim light. _"Central Area's containment wall will activate in 90 seconds. All staff must evacuate from Gate 2 at once."_

_"Containment wall will close in 60 seconds—"_

Oddly, frozen inbetween the urgent announcements, their head has never felt clearer than now. Something has slotted fully inside them the moment that explosion occurred, and they are both rueful and begrudgingly—

_Thankful._

"That was an explosion. Monitor, show us the command room!" Roman snaps at the ceiling. "Is everyone all right?!"

Immediately, a portrait of hell fills their vision. Covered by smoke and burning rubble, they can spot something slick and dark covering what remains of the floor. Their stomach churns. The projected globe shines red in the centre of the gruesome scene.

"Fou!" Fou nudges them from their shoulder, lavender eyes locking on blue. _Mash._

Mash—!

Roman looks absolutely shaken, transfixed at the sight. A part of them aches for him, but they still shake him harshly. "Doctor, Mash is in there! We need to save her!"

_"—50 seconds—"_

"No, you can't! You must evacuate!" He gives them a stern look, green eyes haunted. "I'll go to the command room. Head to Gate 2 immediately. You need to get out before it's too late!"

They watch as he runs ahead from them towards the command room.

"Fou."

"I know. Let's go save Mash." They follow, completely disregarding the doctor's words.

"Wait, what are you doing!? I told you to go to Gate 2!" They meet incredulous chartreuse green eyes with an unrepentant smile.

"Sorry, Roman!"

An exasperated sigh. "Fine. There's no time to argue. Make sure you get back before it's too late!"

They barge into the command room together as soon as the automatic door opens. Heat blasts upon them like a furnace and their eyes water from the smoke. Some kind of noxious chemicals must've gotten burnt along with the equipments. Roman coughs beside them.

"... No survivors..." Goes Roman's defeated voice as he surveys the surroundings. His gaze rests on the blistering globe. "Only Chaldeas is safe."

_"Generator operations stopped. Power level critical. Switch to backup generator, error. Please make switch manually."_

_"Containment will close in 40 seconds—"_

"... I'm heading down to the underground power station. We can't let Chaldea's light go out." His eyes locks on to them. "Hurry up and go back the way we came. Head to Gate 2. You can still make it. Don't stop anywhere on the way. Go outside and wait for help."

They nod. With those parting words, Roman exits the command room.

They look at the red-washed Chaldeas, the burning room, and stroke Fou's side. Their lungs are starting to burn, but they can't go just yet. They didn't see a head of pink hair anywhere near them. Mash—

She might still be in there.

So they continue to trudge ahead through the rubbles, coughing. Sweat drips off their face. They can tell that CO poisoning is setting in as their eyes grow heavier with each passing step.

_"—30 seconds—"_

_"System switching to the final phase of Rayshift. Coordinates, A.D. 2004. January, 30th. Fuyuki, Japan."_

_"Laplace's shifting protection established—"_

They pay no heed to the announcements. Jumping over a jutting piece of the fallen ceiling, they call out her name. "Mash!"

_"Unsummon program set. Please start final adjustments."_

Something shifts in the distance. It's pink. They break into a run.

"Mash!" As they approach, their heart rises into their throat. Hysteria bubbles inside their chest. _No matter how many times, this is—_

"...Oh." A cut on her head drips blood onto her face, joining the pool beneath her. The ground is hot and sticky when they kneel beside her and already tears are dripping down their face, indiscernible with their sweat. It makes a sizzling noise as it drops onto the large slab of ceiling caved on top of her lower body.

They swallow. "Hold on, Mash." Their voice shakes. "I'll—"

But those wounds. As though reading the apprehension in their gaze, she gives a weak smile. "... That's...right." Her voice is soft, softer than any they've heard from her in this life. Halting. Just as weak as her smile. Just as sad. "Thank...you, senpai." For understanding. For trying. "Please... You need..." To get out of here.

They say nothing.

The room flickers and bursts into a scalding heat. Mash strains her head to see the miniature sun looming over them.

"Chaldeas is..." Red.

They can practically see despair set in her eyes as multiple announcements declare the sudden extinction of humanity. Or maybe that was just the smoke inhalation, because they're losing focus on their surroundings. The edges of their vision are turning into a smear of red.

_"Central Area, sealed. 180 seconds until internal containment procedure."_

"... No." Mash breathes out, wide-eyed. Tears drip down her face as she looks at them.

"It's alright." They tell her, with an unshakable certainty somewhere deep inside them. "We'll figure it out."

_"Searching for qualifying Masters."_

"Sen...pai,"

_"Found. Candidate No. 48, Ritsuka Fujimaru reset as Master."_

An outstretched hand.

_"Unsummon Program, start."_

"... Would you mind... Holding...?"

_"Spiriton Conversion, start."_

They grasp her hand into theirs. They link their fingers together, squeezes hers in reassurance. "Of course."

_"Rayshift starting in 3..."_

In that burning room, they exchange a smile.

_"2"_

But it's not their last.

_"1"_

_They will be alright._

 

_"Commencing Grand Order."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aw, thanks for all the hits and kudos, y'all. I'm glad to see that many people are interested in the premise of this fic, haha. 
> 
> Sadly my classes are actually escalating faster than I expected so that 2-3 day updates idea died a really quick death lol. I'll say a chapter would take around a week now. But as a bonus I bring you this chapter which is longer than the previous ones, so yay? I'm sorry my writing length is so inconsistent ahaaha. ;;
> 
> I think the latter chapters should be around as long as this one too hopefully so it's another thing to celebrate about (?)
> 
> I'm also toying with the idea of posting scrapped scenes in a separate place so let's see later.


	5. conflagration in f (i)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ritsuka wakes up in a burning city and gets a new title.

_It's here._

"Fou."

_It's starting._

"—won't wake up—"

_You know what to do._

"... Maybe I should use the official title..."

_Don't you?_

"—Master, if you don't wake up, I will kill you."

They jolt awake.

In front of their eyes, a merciless conflagration spreads through the remains of a dead city. For a second, they thought that they were still stuck inside the burning command room, until they focus onto the armoured figure near them.

Even clad in a revealing armor-like attire, they cannot mistake that face for anyone else's. She's hale and whole, no speck of blood sticking on her person. Standing, gazing down at them in concern. Not crushed and dying under a piece of rubble.

Alive.

They cry out in equal parts relief and disbelief as they scramble up to touch her. "Mash! You're okay!"

They cup her cheek, traces a shaky line down her forehead where blood had dripped down from a cut, brushing strands of hair out of her violet eyes. They hug her fiercely, ignoring the hard metal digging painfully into their chest. _Alive._  Their hands are still trembling when they let go.

"Yes, senpai." This time, she's the one who holds their hand to reassure them. Her hands are warmer this time, not as terrifyingly lukewarm due to major blood loss. Her eyes are soft and brimming with life. "I'm glad you're alright too."

The moment didn't last long. Her expression sharpens right after. They stiffen. Multiple eerie laughters resound in the area, the clattering of debris and bones heading closer towards them. She slams her cross-like shield

_—theshieldoftheroundtable, shieldofsnowflakes, theshieldthatprotecteduseverytimeandalways—_

between them and the enemies. "I'll explain to you later, senpai. Please stand behind me. We have hostiles surrounding us."

_What—?_

They stagger. The noise in their head ebbs into faint whispers.

_Remember._

What was-? _You know._  How did they...? _You know,_  the voices, the feeling, insists. They should know this. No way, they try to deny for a single moment, but it is a weak, feeble

_Lie._

Discord rings inside them, for that single instant, unnatural anger aimed at themself, mingling with frustration at their own sheer _lack,_  of what, they aren't sure, but it receedes as quickly as it reared itself up, leaving them drained and confused in its wake.

White fur brushes against their cheek, a firm tether to reality, as if chastising them. "Fou!"

"Senpai, your orders please!" Mash's voice is tight, tension on her shoulders as a skeleton breaks into a run, brandishing a spear at them.

Wearily, they set aside the voices and sensation of déjà vu to focus on the present situation. They square their shoulders and survey their surroundings, making sure no enemies are creeping up behind them. "Alright, neutralize them. Be careful, Mash."

"Yes, senpai!" Sparks glance off the shield in the next second as she deflects a spear to fling it, moving terribly fast with a shield of that apparent size. "Haa!" With a shout, Mash violently bisects the de-armed skeleton, already moving to bash the next one approaching as it collapses with dissipating wisps of mana.

They watch the fight with a sense of relief at her ease in dispatching the oppositions, but some tension still roots itself in their back, even with Fou looking alert on their shoulder. They privately heave a sigh.

Once the last skeleton in their immediate surroundings is destroyed, Mash does one more sweep around their vicinity before lowering her shield. They marvel at the fact that she her breathing is still steady. The two of them huddle in a relatively non-burning area surrounded by the remains of a condominium.

"Targets neutralised, senpai." She exhales in relief as her posture loosens. "I had my worries, but I'm glad that we made it, somehow."

They send her a heartfelt smile, eyes crinkling. "That's because you're really strong, Mash."

She shakes her head, cheeks pink. "No, I'm usually not this strong. In combat training I always had to stay after class... I couldn't even do a pull up." She admits, looking even more embarrassed. Her expression suddenly turns serious. She takes their hand, the one with the red markings _—command seals—_ on it, staring pensively. "Senpai, listen, the reason I was able to fight like that earlier was because—"

A loud beep interrupts their conversation. A blue projection flickers to life before them, originating from the wristwatch on Mash's arm. Roman's relieved voice resounds before his transparent visage appears on the screen. "—Finally got through! Hello? This is Chaldea command room, do you read me?"

Mash seems to bite back a sigh as she straightens to face the projection. "This is Mash Kyrielight, a member of A Team. At this time, I have completed the shift to Singularity F. My sole companion is Ritsuka Fujimaru, master candidate 48. Mind and body both intact." She continues to report. "Rayshift compatibility, Master compatibility both satisfactory. Please register him as an official researcher."

They can feel Roman's gaze shifting towards them. They give him a guilty smile. "... So you also got dragged into the rayshift, huh." He sighs and smiles at them with tired, relieved eyes. "It's good that you didn't 'lose your existence.' I'm really glad."

"And Mash." He focuses back towards her. "Of course I'm glad that you're alright too, but..." He trails off, looking halfway incredulous and mortified. "What's with that outfit!? It's too revealing!!" He wails. "I didn't raise you to dress like that!"

They raise an eyebrow as Mash turns red and tries to stutter an answer between his protests. Being quite close with Mash as the doctor had said seems to be even closer that what they had initially expected.

She deflates and finally states, "I transformed into this. I couldn't protect senpai wearing Chaldea's uniform."

"—Eh?" Roman pauses his tirade. "... Transformed? What do you mean by that? Mash, did you hit your head or did—"

"Please be quiet and check my condition, Dr. Roman." Mash interjects, exasperation coating her words. "I think you would understand my situation better."

Understanding and something melancholic seems to dawn in Roman's face as his eyes roves before the status report displayed before him. "Wh-whoa, whoa, whoa, whoah—! Physical strength, magical circuits, everything's improved!" He looks back up at them. "Rather than a human, you seem to be closer to a—"

"Servant, yes." Mash finishes. "I'm not quite sure how it happened, but it seems like I have survived by fusing with a servant."

Survived. Only by coincidence did they see Roman mouth the word faintly to himself. He looks terribly, terribly tired in that split second. Recalling the blood sticky under their knees and now flaking on their dark trousers, they think, they sympathize with him, too.

Mash seems lost in her memories as she recounts the experience. "To investigate and resolve Singularity F, a servant was provided in advance at Chaldea. This servant lost its master in that explosion and was doomed to vanish."

Was that what the servant had told her?

"But at the last second, he offered me a contract. In return for the abilities and noble phantasm of a heroic spirit, he wanted me to eliminate the cause of this singularity."

Roman exhales. "A fusion of a heroic spirit and a human... A Demi-Servant. That is Chaldea's sixth experiment." His voice is neutral, but there is a bitter edge to his eyes that he cannot fully hide. They idly wonder how they can read him this easily in this short amount of time. "... I see. So it finally succeeded, huh. Does this heroic spirit still have his consciousness?"

Mash shakes her head. "... No." She reveals glumly. "He gave me his combat abilities and vanished. He never revealed his true name even at the end, so I don't even know which heroic spirit I am..."

They place a hand on her shoulder to comfort her but she instead seems even more depressed. "... Nor the noble phantasm I'm holding. At this point, there's too much I don't know." Her hand clenches on the shield with frustration. "At this rate I—I won't be able to protect senpai properly."

"Hey, look on the bright side, Mash." Roman's voice is warm, cajoling. Soothing. "Not every servant who gets summoned is cooperative. You becoming a servant is in our favour. After all, you're completely trustworthy."

Mash nods mutely, looking reluctantly reassured at his words. They smile encouragingly at her. "It's alright, Mash." They squeeze her shoulder gently. "I believe in you." Even when she is doubting herself, that is one thing that will never change.

"Yes, senpai." Some tension falls from her shoulders. Her violet eyes, when she turns to face them, are still alight with determination. "Thank you. I'll do my best to answer that trust."

"That's the spirit." Roman fondly regards the two of them with a serene smile. They are a bit disappointed that it doesn't last long, as his expression turns wistful when he talks to them. "That's right... Fujimaru-kun, it looks like you're the only one who rayshifted there safely."

"I'm sorry," he apologizes, bowing at a forty-five degree angle at the screen. Their heart aches. "I forced you into this without any explanations or sufficient preparation." He straightens back up and tries to give them a smile, but it comes out more like a grimace.

"Doctor, it's not your fault, so please don't feel responsible about it." They interject firmly. Roman looks startled. They smile wryly in response. "I was the one who followed you, after all, so rather than you forcing me, it was the opposite, wasn't it?"

His eyes soften and his smile relaxes into a more genuine one. "If you say so, Fujimaru-kun. Now, I'm sure that you're full of questions, but try not to worry." He gestures at the newly dubbed Demi-Servant. "You have Mash, after all. Currently humanity's most powerful weapon."

"I don't know about 'most powerful.'" She denies, a touch dryly. "I'm usually the one who gets blamed later."

"Now, now, as long as Fujimaru-kun understands that's what basically a servant is, it'll be fine." Roman insists. "But you should understand that a servant, being all-powerful as they are, has one weakness. It's their source of magical energy, the master."

"And that's me?"

"That's you, senpai." Mash confirms. She slightly blushes. "That's why I called you by master earlier when waking you up."

"I'm still analysing the data, but it's in line with what Mash says. Mash is the first heroic spirit you've entered a contract with." Roman informs them.

They nod. "So I'm Mash's master."

"It seems that you get the gist of it." The doctor sighs. "It's too bad that you missed that part of the orientation, but I guess now is a good time to explain it in detail. The current mission has two new goals—"

"Doctor, you're breaking up." Mash glances at the wrist device. "Ten seconds before connection is lost."

"Sheba's output must be unstable because we had to switch to the backup generator." Roman murmurs under his breath. "Well then, I'll brief you guys later. I'm getting a strong leyline reading about 2 km southwest. Please try to get there to stabilise our connection." He stares at them worriedly. "You two, be careful. Don't do anything reckless, alright? I'll try to restore the power back as soon as possible so—"

The projection flickers and disappears.

They both stare at the empty space for a couple of seconds. Mash exhales. "That's the doctor for you, senpai. He can be pretty unreliable at times like this."

They think about how frantic he was in the journey to the command room. The way he tries to reassure them even as he tries to bury his own fears. How weary he looks. They disagree. "That's a bit harsh, Mash. He's trying his best, don't you think?"

There is bewilderment bubbling in her eyes. "Ah, yes, that's... True." She says haltingly, as if pushing those words out takes more effort than it should. "That's right. It must've been quite hard on him. He's the doctor after all..."

"Mash?" Something is odd. Mash shakes her head as if to clear out her thoughts. "It's nothing, senpai. It's just..." Her eyebrows furrow slightly. "I was irritated at the doctor for no reason just now. It's strange but I guess he does tend to inspire that kind of feeling now and then."

"I... See?" They don't, actually, but it seems to make sense to Mash.

She shakes her head again. "Nevermind that, senpai. It seems that we forgot to tell him about Fou. He rayshifted together with you, senpai."

"Fou?" They look down to see Fou sitting innocently between their feet, out of sight from the projection's field of vision.

"Oh." They scoop him back up to their shoulder. "Mmkyau, mmfou, fou." Fou yawns before settling down to nap. How enviable.

"He said 'don't worry about that guy.'" They tell Mash. "I guess we should head to that leyline place now."

She nods as she falls into step beside them. "Yes, we'll need to make a base camp on the coordinates the doctor sent us. It'd be safer there, and establishing connection with Chaldea will allow supplies to be sent between us."

They creep behind enormous slabs of concrete to find a useable path amidst the burning scenery. "Let's move before more skeletons pass by."

"Yes, senpai."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so sleepy... I'll just update whenever I can lmao. the chapter is a bit rushed so if there's any mistake please inform me. also your comments are my lifeblood, really. they're all a joy to read and they feed my motivation lol.

**Author's Note:**

> leave what you think in the comments below my dudes. the idea for this one is still scrambling around in my brain and i just hope i can finish this before the workload in my classes picks up its pace.
> 
> there's a reason why i usually only write oneshots lol.


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